One day things will look different, but right now they look like this

One of these days I'd like to post on this forum to support someone else who is going through stuff, rather than using it as a coping strategy for myself.

I only recently found saneforums.org and have been using it kind of as a last attempt at self-managing what I'm feeling, before sending a text to my husband to ask him to come home (which is the beginning of my crisis plan).

I think of other things my psychologist and I talk about. Doing something that gets me outside: It's night time, I'm not about to go for a walk out on the farm to get fresh air in my gills (I wouldn't ordinarily leave the house while the kids were in bed anyway). Doing some form of exercise: it's 9.30pm and I'm way past the point of exhaustion, it's not going to happen.

I'm over tired because not getting restful sleep at night, and I know it is having an impact on me. On my mood, my ability to concentrate in the office (which is usually something that fills my cup...bucket... or whatever you want to call it).

So many important things are in a state of flux and nothing is resolved. When things do land, I seem to keep taking knock after knock.

With each hit the mental load gets heavier and it becomes more and more difficult to achieve any level of productivity at work. It has become a massive snowball effect, there's more to do, more overdue, less time and energy to do it with.

I'm lucky if I complete one thing on my list each day now.

Todays challenges were a flat tyre, an email from my solicitors informing me that I needed to add two new directors to my board in order to apply for a particular charity status for our organisation (an administrative distraction I just didn't need); and also got the news that we were unsuccessful with an Expression of Interest on a block of land that we were going to build our office on. That was a gut punch.

Even before today, the red flags were glaringly ovious. Avoiding eating actual meals and drinking more alcohol than normal. Procrastinating paying bills, or packing things up that get left lying around the house.

My irritability is fairly constant. I don't care about showering or dressing. God it's annoying and shameful to see things unfolding so predictably and not have the care factor or energy to act on it.

I need a win.

I need something good to happen to spurr me on, even something basic to take one foot step in the forward direction, before a negative trigger snaps like a tripwire at my feet and sends me spiralling.

I'm bumping along so close to the bottom that I can't afford another hit. I know what it will do to my mental state and my ability to function. I know where my thoughts will go, what I will begin to contemplate, and it's an unfair mess to leave behind for others to take care of.

Right now I'm thinking rationally. There are no guarantees it will stay that way.

I think right now, the best thing I can do is sleep. Nothing else can happen, if I'm doing that. And who knows, perhaps I'll even wake up tomorrow feeling a little lighter.

I hope that wherever you are, if you are reading this, you are above the line. You are fighting the good fight, and winning.

Peace out.