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I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor01 Mar 2021, 11:38 am AEDT

I think I might be done

I ran away again on Friday night. I threw a few emergency things in a supermarket bag and bolted while he was out in the back yard smoking. I actually did it early that morning but succumbed to the begging and came home at lunchtime. By 10pm I'm backing out of the driveway with no plan.

I went to his place. After 15 minutes aimless driving I remembered I had his key on my set. His townhouse on the other side of the city that he hasn't been back to in almost a year. It has no internet or hot water and is hotter than hades. I barely got through the weekend with two fans and and icepack. It's a lot further from my work than my place and there are bridge tolls each way but at least I'm safe from his tyrades.

He hasn't tried to get in touch, which bothers me considering what he often threatens.

This morning I have sent a VERY long email to him. I decided that someone had to call him out about the childish, irrational and menacing way he deals with everyone, including me. Someone needed to present him with a few home truths and, in consultation with his father, I decided that ultimately I was the one with nothing to lose. If he walks out on me as a result it certainly wouldn't be the worst thing that's ever happened.

A few brief exerpts:

I know you are unaware of how menacing and belligerent you sound. To try to give you some context, most people go their entire lives without having the police or an ambulance called for them, or having security escort them from a premises, or have call centre workers cry and hang up on them or have their childrens' teachers refuse to return their calls.

I have reached the conclusion that you, perhaps subconsciously, do not want a peaceful, happy life. Every time I think things are starting to run smoothly you either create a new drama or resurrect an old one. I honestly believed that by giving you a comfortable home, nutritious food, a loving ear and a welcoming heart to your children you would find peace.

The realisation dawns on me that there is nothing in my power to make your life easier if you persist with this destructive self-sabotage.

I would like you to think about how you would feel if you overheard P..... speaking to your mother the way you speak to me sometimes. If he called her stupid, or a b.. or a s... or a c.... I don't believe I am any of those things. I know you love me but that doesn't mean what it should if you are unable to treat me with respect and dignity.

I know you won't like a lot of what I've had to say, but I had to say it. You probably won't agree, you will probably think I am betraying you and persecuting you the way you think the whole world does. Sometimes, stuff happens. It just happens; no one is to blame. You don't have to live your life as if you were always a victim.

Because here is the thing my forum friends, I also don't have to live my life as if I were a victim and I realise that's what I've been doing. I've had some very long conversations with his elderly father and have been given information about his early life and when things started to go wrong. My kinda sorta father in law asked me outright if I still wanted to be living on the roller coaster in 15 or 20 years time, if I wanted to be treated like this for the rest of my life. He pointed out that I am the one here that actually has a choice where I've been telling myself for the last year that I have no choice.

I didn't want to let his parents or his children down. I didn't want to let him down. Dad says no one is letting anyone down but he himself and that they are all amazed I've lasted so long. Dad thinks I should call the police and have him evicted from my house. I won't do that.

I have proposed that I spend a few nights a week at his place so I'm not walking on eggshells with no respite and we can then see how we feel after a couple of months. I'll have to go back to mine soon as I'm at work now in weekend clothes and I've left my satchel with some files in at home as well. I'll wait and see what response I get in the meantime and will buy a portable AC on the way home tonight.

Wish me luck.

77 replies

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In response to: I think I might be done

BunniekinsSenior Contributor01 Mar 2021, 8:39 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

@SJT63Wishing you well SJT63. Dont forget to look after you first.xx

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor02 Mar 2021, 8:05 am AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Oh @SJT63

I worry about you...please, please, please stay safe. Yes you do have choices and hell YES you are brave xox

In response to: I think I might be done

Unknown userMember02 Mar 2021, 3:53 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Wishing you the best @SJT63💗It's great to hear that you're seeing how you do have choices

In response to: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor03 Mar 2021, 8:57 am AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Hello @SJT63

What you said really resonated as I have been in a toxic previous relationship and frightened at times throughout...are you ok? Are you safe for now?

Are you able to see more clearly away from the situation?

Here to listen if you need an ear?

Take care hun x

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor03 Mar 2021, 12:26 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

@Anastasia @Former-Member @Bunniekins

It's been 5 days and I'm ready to go home. I need my own bed and my own bathroom.

He called me Monday to ask if I was coming home to cook dinner for his sons, otherwise he'd have to put them off. This told me he hadn't read the email so I asked and was told it was too distressing.

He tried to blackmail me saying he was out of meds and couldn't go to the pharmacy and there was no milk and not much to eat. There are always half a dozen meals in my freezer, he means he's out of cakes and biscuits. He can drive 7 hours for medicinal herbs he can drive 10 mintues to Woollies. The shops are less than a k away.

He also said I was preventing him from seeing the boys, whereas the only thing preventing him seeing the boys was his embarassment. That was Monday.

Texts yesterday:

S: have you read my email yet

M: Mostly. I find it very upsetting as once read the words play on in my head

S: They were things that had to be said so we can move forward. I can't keep living in fear of your ongoing abuse, but I want to come home tomorrow

M: OK

Today I've typed up a list of rules. I need to be in my own place and I need to be safe. He will have my boundaries clearly explained in black and white and if he chooses to cross those boundaries, which are not unreasonable or petty, then he can go back to his own place.

No more eggshells for me. I'm going to call him out every time he behaves inappropriately, I'm going to give my honest opinion on things instead of agreeing to avoid consequences and I will not tolerate his verbal abuse.

This will turn out one of two ways. Life will improve for both of us or it will end the relationship and life will improve for at least one of us. It will end by him getting so put out by my new attitude that he decides to leave, or I will provoke him so much that his actions necessitate his eviction.

I'm hoping it improves both our lives but I will not let myself fall back into the place I've been in the last year or so. I do love him and I do want to help. I'm happy to keep doing all the practical things I do for him if I can be allowed to be myself at the same time; sacrificing my honesty has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. I have a plan. I will be safe.

much love and thanks,

S x

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor03 Mar 2021, 12:45 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Oh gosh @SJT63

you are so brave!!!!

Yes you absolutely should be able to be in your own home. Your plan sounds good, please stick to it, you deserve to be treated with respect and if you are not then he needs to go. Simple, but I understand that it isn't. It took me years to leave my ex and the damage caused still rears it's ugly head. Promise you'll stay safe,

Good luck and hugs and love xox

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

SJT63Senior Contributor04 Mar 2021, 10:22 am AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

@Anastasia @Shaz51 @Bunniekins @Former-Member

not so brave.

I went home. He wouldn't let me speak to him about my boundaries in any detail. He doesn't understand what's going on and I've made him sick.

He kept me awake until after 10 regaling me with the latest gripes (while I'm quietly having a panic attack in the dark) and woke me just before 5am because he was cold.

All of the things I complain of, which I've never really been given the chance to speak to him about, have been thrown back at me as complaints about my behaviour.

He lives in constant fear of upsetting me

His best is never good enough for me

I don't really love him if I behave in this way

I am trying to sabotage our relationship

I am not given the chance to speak, and when I said to him "but that's how I feel" he says I'm just mimicking him.

His answer to my pointing out that he won't get is own way with any organisations by either ignoring them or bullying them was to give me his power of attorney so that I can make them do what he wants.

Unfortunately I can't remember in what context now, I was quite upset at the time, he said that if something did or didn't happen (so sorry I can't remember what) then I would have to leave.

I don't want to leave. It was my house for 10 years before I met him.

It's not his fault he's so ill, I know that. My responses to him aren't his fault. I need to be more understanding. I will try.

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

AnastasiaSenior Contributor04 Mar 2021, 11:47 am AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Oh @SJT63

I am so sorry but this sounds like a classic case of him gaslighting you!!!

Tagging @Faith-and-Hope as she will be a better judge but I really feel like you are going around in circles and until you leave him things will not improve...please Faith can you provide some wisdom here?

Love and hugs S, my heart breaks for you and I am concerned, like REALLY concerned for you and your safety xoxo

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

TideisTurningSenior Contributor04 Mar 2021, 6:40 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

@SJT63 it sounds like you've been going through a really tough situation- one that's been going on for a while, and I'm sorry.

If what's going on starts to feel too distressing though, please don't hesitate to reach out for support, because you really deserve that. There's 1800Respect (1800 737 732), Womensline (1800 811 811) or Sane's Helpcentre if you'd just like to speak to someone 1:1.

Wishing you the strength and courage to do whatever you may need to and hoping things improve for you very soon. Take care 🌸

In response to: Re: I think I might be done

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor04 Mar 2021, 8:42 pm AEDT

Re: I think I might be done

Definitely sounds like gaslighting to me @SJT63 ..... and you need some tools because he has you in a downtrodden state where he can turn everything back on n you, and your beautiful empathetic heart keeps trying to problem-solve something that is sounding not particularly solvable.

This is where you need to start being your own best friend. Imagine yourself for a moment outside your situation, and the woman struggling in your current shoes was your best friend. What would you advise her ?

Woukd you suggest that she stops trying to explain things to someone who is not interested in explanations and will only turn them into a game of cat-and-mouse ?

So what happens if you stop explaining, and just go about the business of your day, politely seeing to whatever is practical to keeping the house running, and then going out, under any and every excuse, to run errands but also breathe fresh air and have a coffee somewhere ..... aka time to yourself ?

Place your boundaries whether he likes it or not ..... they are your boundaries, and you were offering him the courtesy of sharing your thoughts and needs with him, which he has rejected ..... read: given up the chance to be involved with ..... so take charge of what you need to do, and do not apologise for being in your own space, and looking after you. This is not a two way street, so I would suggest you consider it house-sharing, and begin living your own life around him.

As @TideisTurning has suggested, those counselling services are there to help you deal with exactly this sort of thing, and no, you shouldn't have to give up your house. They will help you work out some strategies to take back your life from someone who is bl33ding you dry.

Hugs n hugs @SJT63 ...... you are worth more than this.

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