Three thirty am woke up unsettled.

Just thought I'd do a post to get things out since I'm up for a bit. Feeling unsettled, scared. Not sure why. I suppose at times now this house I just find haunting.

I'm going to move out when the lease us up in June. It's too expensive and I don't feel the same about it like I used to. I can't put a name to much at the moment.

My tremors have returned. I feel there is no use unpacking any if my complexities post ending if relationship. Not travelling well at all. There is an inner rage I can feel at times.

I feel I guess disgusted. I can't say why I feel disgusted. I don't know how a person can show amazing love and tenderness, yet also I guess what I would call discard. It could be swift and sudden too. Leaving me spinning. Not knowing how or why things changed so fast.

I'm trying to take the focus off her and out it into me. How I feel, what I'm going through. It's hard. The relationship still has me in a spin. Trying to unouzzle a mammoth puzzle is just not doable for me right now. My feelings are complex.

I was talking to a person last night and felt uncomfortable. Not with the person, within myself. I was able to briefly hear my thoughts. Think about my feelings. I was scared. My though was if Rachel knows I said this she us going to be very angry. There was also the guilt I felt for what I was saying. It felt cold. I felt sad. I don't know if I was living some sort of illusion and delusions.

It's hard to explain. If only just one person could have seen the way I loved her. It wasn't actions, it was the way I looked at her, the tenderness I held her in, the sweetness, care and gentleness. But nobody saw it. Nobody saw it because besides her older kids we really never socialised with other people.

I did try but she was never really interested in socialising with me. I would go in my own. If it was just me and her doing something, that was fine. There was only one occassion she did come with me.

I'm starting to slowly see she needs a lot of her own healing. I can also see I couldn't travel with her along that path. It's something she has to do herself whether she does it or not.

I remember in the very beginning when we met. One day she was crying. I asked her what was wrong. She said I'm scared you will leave me because it gets too hard. I told her I wouldn't leave her if it got too hard. I meant it too. I don't leave relationships because they are in the too hard basket usually.

Of course there are exceptions. When I'm being abused. When I'm being hurt over and over again with the same things. When someone behaves as if I do not exist. When someone doesn't speak to me for days on end. I made many concessions. There was so much more to all this. As each day goes by I guess I'm seeing it more as an abusive relationship more than one where I was actually loved.

The silent and not silent messaging that just worsened over time. I stick to myself. I have no interest in socialising. I refuse to allow anyone to tell me what I need to do. That's no ones business. I decide what I need and want to do. Often and usually I don't want the advice, opinions or suggestions. It irks me greatly. I just reduced contact heavily with someone who was doing this to me.

I don't talk much these days. It's just too exhausting. Most times I'm very disgusted how someone can smash a person up like this. Specifically her. I have no desire to talk to her or see her. There's nothing to say. I told her when she walked out the door for the last time, that was my goodbye.